Embracing Consensual Non-Monogamy: The Guide to Open Relationships

Introduction

Ready to spice up your love life and break free from traditional relationship norms? Welcome to the world of consensual non-monogamy (CNM)! Think of it as a colorful spectrum of relationship styles where you can love and be loved by more than one person—with everyone's enthusiastic consent, of course. Let’s dive into this exciting and sex-positive adventure, exploring what CNM is all about, the different flavors it comes in, and some handy tips for making it work.

What Is Consensual Non-Monogamy?

Consensual non-monogamy means being in relationships where everyone knows about and agrees to having multiple partners. Unlike cheating, which is all cloak-and-dagger, CNM is all about transparency, honesty, and a whole lot of love.

Flavors of Consensual Non-Monogamy

CNM isn't a one-size-fits-all deal. Here are some of the fabulous forms it can take:

1. Polyamory: Think of it as having a few heartstrings to your bow. You get to have multiple romantic relationships, and everyone’s in the loop.

2. Open Relationships: You’ve got your main squeeze, but there’s room for some fun on the side. It’s more about sexual exploration than forming new romantic bonds.

3. Swinging: Couples who play together, stay together! Swinging involves getting your groove on with other couples or singles, often at parties or clubs. It’s all about the recreational sex.

4. Relationship Anarchy: Forget the rules and hierarchies! Relationship anarchists love freely, without predefined structures, letting each connection be unique.

Why CNM Rocks

Jumping into CNM can be a total game-changer. Here’s why:

1. Personal Growth: Navigating multiple relationships helps you grow emotionally and become a better communicator.

2. Enhanced Communication: You’ll become a pro at talking things out, leading to healthier, more honest relationships.

3. Diverse Connections: You get to enjoy different types of connections and fulfill various emotional and physical needs.

4. Increased Satisfaction: More love, more joy. What’s not to like?

Challenges and How to Tackle Them

Like any relationship style, CNM has its hurdles. Here’s how to clear them:

1. Jealousy: Yep, it happens. Keep talking and be honest about your feelings. Remember, it’s all part of the journey.

2. Time Management: Juggling multiple relationships can be tricky. Keep a calendar handy and prioritize your time.

3. Social Stigma: Not everyone will get it. Build a support network of like-minded folks who do.

4. Emotional Labor: Managing multiple relationships can be emotionally demanding. Self-care is key!

Tips for Rocking Consensual Non-Monogamy

Ready to dive in? Here are some tips for making CNM a joyful and fulfilling experience:

1. Open Communication: Lay it all out there. Be honest about your needs, boundaries, and expectations. Regular check-ins can keep everything smooth.

2. Establish Boundaries: Set clear agreements and stick to them. Discuss safer sex practices and emotional boundaries upfront.

3. Prioritize Consent: Consent is sexy! Make sure everyone involved is fully informed and on board.

4. Educate Yourself: Knowledge is power. Read up, attend workshops, and connect with CNM communities online.

5. Seek Support: A good therapist who gets CNM can be a lifesaver for navigating the ups and downs.

Conclusion

Consensual non-monogamy is a vibrant, exciting way to approach relationships. By embracing multiple connections with honesty and respect, you can create a rich, fulfilling love life that suits your unique needs. Whether you're curious about dipping a toe into CNM or ready to dive in headfirst, remember that communication, consent, and a sex-positive attitude are your best allies.

So, why not give it a whirl? Your heart has room for more love than you might think!

Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships

It’s been twenty minutes; why hasn’t your partner responded to your text?  You take it upon yourself to frantically catalogue every scenario which could conceivably explain why they have chosen to abandon you. Are they bored of you? They do seem to get along so effortlessly with their work friend; it’s never like that with you. Maybe being with you just demands too much time and attention.

Whatever the details may be, one thing is certain: your relationship is over. You are alone. Of course it would come to this. You begin to plot the perfect revenge, but before long your phone lights up and your partner apologizes for the delay, explaining that their meeting ran long.

If this experience, or one like it, is quite familiar to you, you may have an anxious attachment style.

What’s an attachment style?

According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, attachment styles begin to develop the second we’re born. How a caregiver responds to an infant plays a role in forming the way the infant will perceive close relationships. As children, we’re dependent on our caregivers to comfort us and to meet our physical and emotional needs. Parents who are sensitive and responsive to those needs teach their children that they can rely on others. When a child grows up with a caregiver who is attuned to their needs (even when these needs are not expressed), they’re likely to be “securely attached.”  

Bowlby believes a secure child can carry this confidence into their adulthood and future romantic relationships. This attachment style can also be shaped as an adult by experiences in social and romantic relationships. Securely attached folks are comfortable both relying on and being relied upon by their partner. They’re comfortable being on their own; they don’t depend on their partner’s response or approval in order to have a positive self-image. They also tend to view sex and emotional intimacy as the same, and don’t feel the need to create distance by separating the two.

Conversely, misattunement from a caregiver can lead to an insecure attachment. The two main insecure attachment styles are avoidant and anxious.     

What’s an avoidant attachment?

Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to view themselves as independent “lone wolves.”  They don’t like depending on others or having others depend on them.

As an adult, avoidant attachment can show up as:

• Pulling away from a relationship when things are going well

• Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is in a monogamous marriage

• Avoiding physical closeness

• Pining after an ex-partner

What is anxious attachment?

People with an anxious attachment style often feel insecure and their relationships consume a large part of their emotional energy. As children, they may have clung to caregivers or became inconsolable when a caregiver left.

As an adult, anxious attachment can show up as:

• Difficulty trusting partners

• Low self-worth

• Frequent worry that a partner will abandon you

• Sensitivity to small changes in a partner’s mood and behavior 

Can you change your attachment style?

Fortunately, there are things you can do to develop more secure attachments and healthier relationship dynamics.  It may require substantial effort and self-examination, but you’ve got this! 

Here are some steps you can take:

• Find a therapist with expertise in attachment theory

• Seek a partner with a secure attachment who can provide you with patience and support, and in time can help you overcome your insecure impulses

• Use mindfulness and other coping skills to help regulate your emotions and respond differently

If you’d like to talk about the anxiety you feel in relationships, reach and let’s start the conversation.