Navigating Gottman's Four Horsemen
Relationships can be challenging, and at times, we fall into patterns that harm our connection. Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are behaviors that can erode intimacy and trust. Recognizing these and replacing them with healthier habits can make a huge difference.
Criticism shifts to constructive feedback.
Contempt becomes appreciation.
Defensiveness transforms into accountability.
Stonewalling softens with self-soothing.
These shifts take time but are key to creating a resilient, connected relationship. If any of these patterns sound familiar, therapy can offer support to break the cycle and build healthier communication.
Relationships can be tricky, and sometimes, we unknowingly adopt behaviors that harm our connection with our partners. Dr. John Gottman identified four such behaviors, aptly named the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Understanding these behaviors and learning how to counteract them can make a world of difference in your relationship. Let’s dive in!
1. Criticism
What It Is:
Criticism involves attacking your partner's character instead of focusing on specific issues. This often starts with phrases like "You always" or "You never," making your partner feel attacked.
Example:
"You're so lazy! You never help around the house."
Impact:
Repeated criticism can chip away at your partner's self-esteem and foster resentment.
Counteract Criticism:
Use "I" Statements: Express your feelings without blame. Try, "I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy. Can we tackle it together?"
2. Contempt
What It Is:
Contempt is the nastiest of the Four Horsemen. It involves belittling your partner through sarcasm, mockery, or hostile humor.
Example:
"Oh, you're tired? Try doing what I do every day. You're pathetic."
Impact:
Contempt erodes respect and is a strong predictor of relationship breakdown.
Counteract Contempt:
Build a Culture of Appreciation: Regularly express gratitude and focus on positive interactions.
3. Defensiveness
What It Is:
Defensiveness involves denying responsibility and making excuses when faced with criticism.
Example:
"Why are you mad at me for being late? You didn’t remind me about the time!"
Impact:
Defensiveness blocks effective communication and keeps conflicts unresolved.
Counteract Defensiveness:
Take Responsibility: Accept your part in the issue. For example, "You're right, I should have managed my time better."
4. Stonewalling
What It Is:
Stonewalling is when one partner withdraws and stops responding, often due to feeling overwhelmed.
Example:
During an argument, one partner suddenly goes silent and refuses to engage.
Impact:
Stonewalling creates emotional distance and prevents resolution.
Counteract Stonewalling:
Practice Self-Soothing: Take a break to calm down. Let your partner know you need a moment: "I need a few minutes to cool down. Let’s talk in 20 minutes."
Recognizing and addressing the Four Horsemen can transform your relationship. By replacing criticism with constructive feedback, contempt with appreciation, defensiveness with accountability, and stonewalling with self-soothing, you can build a stronger, more resilient connection.
If you notice these behaviors in your relationship, therapy can provide the support and tools needed to overcome them.
Anxious Attachment in Romantic Relationships
If you often find yourself overanalyzing why your partner hasn't responded to your texts and fearing abandonment, you might have an anxious attachment style. This attachment style often stems from childhood experiences with caregivers and can manifest in adulthood as difficulty trusting partners, low self-worth, and constant worry about being left. However, developing more secure attachments is possible with the right support and strategies, such as therapy and mindfulness
It’s been twenty minutes; why hasn’t your partner responded to your text? You take it upon yourself to frantically catalogue every scenario which could conceivably explain why they have chosen to abandon you. Are they bored of you? They do seem to get along so effortlessly with their work friend; it’s never like that with you. Maybe being with you just demands too much time and attention.
Whatever the details may be, one thing is certain: your relationship is over. You are alone. Of course it would come to this. You begin to plot the perfect revenge, but before long your phone lights up and your partner apologizes for the delay, explaining that their meeting ran long.
If this experience, or one like it, is quite familiar to you, you may have an anxious attachment style.
What’s an attachment style?
According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, attachment styles begin to develop the second we’re born. How a caregiver responds to an infant plays a role in forming the way the infant will perceive close relationships. As children, we’re dependent on our caregivers to comfort us and to meet our physical and emotional needs. Parents who are sensitive and responsive to those needs teach their children that they can rely on others. When a child grows up with a caregiver who is attuned to their needs (even when these needs are not expressed), they’re likely to be “securely attached.”
Bowlby believes a secure child can carry this confidence into their adulthood and future romantic relationships. This attachment style can also be shaped as an adult by experiences in social and romantic relationships. Securely attached folks are comfortable both relying on and being relied upon by their partner. They’re comfortable being on their own; they don’t depend on their partner’s response or approval in order to have a positive self-image. They also tend to view sex and emotional intimacy as the same, and don’t feel the need to create distance by separating the two.
Conversely, misattunement from a caregiver can lead to an insecure attachment. The two main insecure attachment styles are avoidant and anxious.
What’s an avoidant attachment?
Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to view themselves as independent “lone wolves.” They don’t like depending on others or having others depend on them.
As an adult, avoidant attachment can show up as:
Pulling away from a relationship when things are going well
Forming relationships with an impossible future, such as with someone who is in a monogamous marriage
Avoiding physical closeness
Pining after an ex-partner
What is anxious attachment?
People with an anxious attachment style often feel insecure and their relationships consume a large part of their emotional energy. As children, they may have clung to caregivers or became inconsolable when a caregiver left.
As an adult, anxious attachment can show up as:
Difficulty trusting partners
Low self-worth
Frequent worry that a partner will abandon you
Sensitivity to small changes in a partner’s mood and behavior
Can you change your attachment style?
Fortunately, there are things you can do to develop more secure attachments and healthier relationship dynamics. It may require substantial effort and self-examination, but you’ve got this!
Here are some steps you can take:
Find a therapist with expertise in attachment theory
Seek a partner with a secure attachment who can provide you with patience and support, and in time can help you overcome your insecure impulses
Use mindfulness and other coping skills to help regulate your emotions and respond differently
If you’d like to talk about the anxiety you feel in relationships, reach and let’s start the conversation.